i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
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They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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