walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
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It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
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is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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