Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
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He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
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