Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
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Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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