carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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