What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
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Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
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Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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