Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
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Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
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Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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