I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
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His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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