Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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