I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
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I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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