party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
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The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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