I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
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She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
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Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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