Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
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I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
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so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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