just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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