I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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