I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
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Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
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I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize