Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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