Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
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I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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