Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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