The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
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he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
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dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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