Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
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Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
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If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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