I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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