last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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