You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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