brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
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I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
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I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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