my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I smell stomach acid.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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