I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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