I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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