I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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