i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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