He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
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Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
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Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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