please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
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i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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