after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
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I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
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She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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