god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize