the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
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I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
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He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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