How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
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A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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