In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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