I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
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my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
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Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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