There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
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Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
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That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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