Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
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I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
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Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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