apparently the secret to your success is patron
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize