he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize