Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
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i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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