i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
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I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
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Sorry my hands just texted you
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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