Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
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Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
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You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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