Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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