So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
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I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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