Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
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Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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