I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
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I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
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i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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