Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She's the barista slut.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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